


At Least Out Loud (I Won't Say I'm in Love)

by Draco_sollicitus



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Chapter 3 is explicit, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Fluff, Fools in Love, Human K-2SO, Modern AU, Oh no it became three chapters, Rebelcaptain - Freeform, Roommates, Tumblr Prompt, switching POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-14 23:39:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14779469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draco_sollicitus/pseuds/Draco_sollicitus
Summary: Kay is fed up with Cassian Andor and Jyn Erso. Any idiot could see they're in love; and Kay Tuesso is certainly not an idiot. It seems like he will have to convince at least one of them of the truth. Maybe then he'll get some peace and quiet.Jyn Erso has no idea what Kay is talking about, at least not at first.And Cassian? Well. Cassian figured things out a while ago.





	1. Jyn

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to my tumblr; but, I'm going to add a second chapter here ;) 
> 
> Based on the quote prompt: "I'm in love...shit."

Jyn Erso knocks back a shot of whisky and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She turns the glass upside down on the bar and glowers at the polished oak. “Drop it, Kay.”

“I am not holding anything to drop, Jyn,” Kay points out in that ridiculously flat voice of his. Jyn sighs in annoyance and glares at herself in the strip of mirror that wraps around the bar. “I was merely trying to point out that the tension between yourself and Cassian has reached a point where no one with any semblance of sense can deny it.”

“I can,” Jyn protests loudly. It’s what she does. She gets drunk, and protests loudly. “I can deny it!”

“My point exactly,” Kay sniffs primly and takes another sip of his cider before shuddering. “I maintain that this drink is foul, by the way. I don’t know why you suggested it.”

“I didn’t suggest it. I told you to ‘take a hike’, and that just happened to be the name of a cider they have on tap, Kay,” Jyn snaps, still frowning at her reflection. “Why are you so insistent that Cass and I have feelings for each other? We’ve lived together for five years, for godssakes, haven’t done anything remotely romantic in that entire time.” Jyn sticks her hand near Kay’s face - well, as near as she can get, the stupid man’s so tall even sitting a bar stool that’s the same height as hers - and emphasizes with the stretch of her fingers, the number  _five._

“Haven’t you, though?” Kay asks condescendingly. “I will lay out the logical premises for my conclusion that you are in love with Cassian Andor. One: you have lived together for five years. This is the longest either of you have lived with someone. Cassian once set fire to a roommate’s trash can because he didn’t like the way they folded his socks after laundry. And yes. I was that roommate.”

“Who folds socks anyway?” Jyn mutters, sliding her shot glass back and forth on the bar with the tip of her finger, her vision sliding in and out of focus. Damn. Should have quite while she was ahead. 

Kay continues, pointedly ignoring her comment. “Two. You call him Cass. And he lets you call him Cass. No one else has ever successfully given him a nickname. That’s all I will say for number two, as it speaks for himself. Three. Cassian talks about you 78.5% of the time when he speaks. Bodhi helped me track it over the last six months.”

“How did you bribe Bodhi to do that?” Jyn asks, genuinely curious. Kay still ignores her, plowing forward with his ‘premises.’

“78.5% of the time is already significant, but I am largely under the impression that he spends the other 21.5% of the time trying to figure out how to bring the conversation  _back_ to you. And don’t look smug, Jyn. You talk about Cassian 65% of the time during your conversations, which I would classify as only ‘moderately less embarrassing.” Jyn’s cheeks heat, and she’s not entirely sure Kay’s getting out of this bar without a stool smashed over his head. “Four. You have checked your phone twelve times since we sat down, and I saw that you had messages from Bodhi Rook, Chirrut Imwe, and Kes Dameron, and you didn’t open or respond to any of them, but you kept checking. Now, this might be because you were checking the time, but I also overheard Cassian tell you he’d text you when he left the bar, the one two blocks away from this bar, where he is currently on a blind date. So, you’re waiting to see if you’re getting a text that says he’s going home and needs privacy, or if he’s going home and wants to walk back with you. And it doesn’t take a statistician to figure out which outcome you’d prefer.”

Jyn stares at the bar morosely before kicking Kay’s stool a little savagely. He sputters in protest and Jyn turns her full-force scowl onto him. “All you’ve managed to prove is that Cass and I are very good friends, and that you pay way too much attention to the stuff we do,” Jyn snarls. She’s interrupted from what was sure to be a rant by her phone ringing. She spies the contact on the display and quickly answers it, swatting away Kay’s finger in her face as he hisses  _told you._

“Cass?” Jyn says by way of greeting. 

“Jyn!” He roars excitedly into the phone. “Jyn, that date was a goddamn disaster! Oh my god, I couldn’t figure out which fork to stab myself with!” 

“I thought you said it was a bar?” Jyn laughs and turns away from Kay, still swatting at the larger man who looks punchably smug. 

“I thought it was,” Cassian groans and there’s the unmistakable sound of his head slamming into something. “Oh man. Wanna go home and watch Netflix til we pass out? I need some Mary Berry, Jyn, that was absolute agony.”

“You drunk, Cass?” Jyn asks, already gathering her things and smiling into the phone. 

“Soooo drunk,” Cassian snorts. “I couldn’t pronounce any of the food, but I can definitely pronounce whisky. It was awful, Jyn. A massacre. No survivors.”

“Want me to call you an Uber?” Jyn asks. 

“No, no, I know what bar you’re at, Kay texted me. I’ll meet you out front and we can walk home together so I can continue to tell you about how godawful this woman was. She asked me how much money I made, Jyn. I pretended that I invented Vine, and told her I was a secret billionaire. And then she asked if that’s why I was wearing Sketchers on a date. Sketchers, Jyn! She thought my sneakers were Sketchers! I have never been so insulted!”

“Alright, alright, save some for the walk home, Andor,” Jyn teases him. She signals to the bartender. “I gotta close up my tab, I’ll see you in a few?”

“See you soon, Erso.” The line goes dead, and Jyn lowers the phone. She catches a glimpse of herself in that same mirror she’d been scowling into not five minutes ago.

Her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are bright, and she’s - she’s smiling, still.

Next to her, she can see that Kay is smirking, but she’s too busy being knocked over by her revelation to care. “Oh,” Jyn says thoughtfully, sliding a twenty over the bar to their server. “I’m in love. Shit.” 

“Shit, indeed,” Kay agrees. A pounding on the window makes them both turn. A drunk, cheerful Cassian Andor who’s holding a goddamned street sign ( _that’s going to be a story_ ) gives them an enthusiastic thumbs up. 

Jyn holds a finger up at him, telling him to wait a moment, and she giggles involuntarily when Cass actually pouts and then plunks down, legs criss-cross-apple-sauce, in the middle of the sidewalk. 

“If you tell him, I’ll murder you,” Jyn warns Kay in a low voice as they head for the door. 

“I have been telling him he’s in love with you every day for the last 183 days, Jyn Erso. If I stop now, he’ll get suspicious.”

Jyn sighs mightily as she throws the door open, the cool autumn air hitting them when they walk out into the night. “Fair enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Cassian POV
> 
>  
> 
> (Should I make it more ~adult~? Or keep it light and breezy? Let me know)


	2. Cassian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian Andor has a terrible date, but at least he gets to walk home with his roommate. 
> 
> Too bad she's tipsy, and he's drunk - it's time to exercise some of that famous Andor self control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cassian's POV from his date; and then after he and Jyn walk home together

[Kay, 9:32 p.m.]: Cassian Andor – how is your date?

Cassian wipes his face with his hand and looks up across the table at his date – and what was her name again? Leia had set him up on this date, but he really can’t figure out how the hell she decided they were a good match – and sees she’s already buried in her own phone. She’d very obviously given up on him twenty minutes ago, and Cassian had been eyeing the doors for his escape for the last hour. He sighs, unlocks his screen, and types his response.

[Cassian, 9:35 p.m.]: Not great, Kay.

He sets his phone back on the table where his drink glasses are cluttered (and why doesn’t the waiter take those away? It makes him look like he’s trying to drink himself under the table. Which is true. But still). It’s less than ten second before Kay texts him again.

[Kay, 9:36 p.m.]: Jyn Erso is tipsy.

Despite how crappily his evening is going, despite how much his ears are ringing with the amount of whisky he’s poured in his body in the last sixty-three minutes, Cassian grins at the idea of tiny, tipsy Jyn Erso.

[Cassian, 9:36 p.m.]: Oh, are you going to walk her home?

[Kay, 9:36 p.m.]: She is currently in the bathroom. But, you should walk her home. We are at the Cantina.

That’s two blocks away from here. He’ll definitely walk her home. Kay would probably just get distracted and leave her on a bench with a sign around her neck: _free to a good home._

[Kay 9:36 p.m.]: A man asked for her number. Multiple men did.

Cassian rolls his eyes. Why would he care about that? Jyn can give her number to whoever she wants. He sets his phone back down with purpose, glaring into space – his date’s really not paying attention to him now, because she misses his huff of annoyance – and grumbles in his head about Kay and his ridiculous matchmaking obsession.

A minute later, he’s texting Kay back.

[Cassian, 9:38 p.m.]: Did she give it to them?

That could be construed as casual interest. Interest in a friend. That’s all.

[Kay, 9:39 p.m.]: No.

[Kay, 9:39 p.m.]: She pretended I was her boyfriend. We both agreed it was a tactic of true desperation, not to be repeated.

Cassian snorts, and his date finally looks up. She makes a bit of small talk regarding tomorrow’s game – and it’s hockey, which Cassian will Never Fucking Understand, and it’s really game over when he tries to talk about fútbol, and she says that it’s a stupid sport – and Cassian really does try to be polite, but his attention is entirely on his phone, waiting to see if there will be a text from Jyn (and he struggles to recall if he’d told her he’d text her when the date was over, or if she’d text him when she’d had enough of Kay and was close to murder). When it lights up, his date is thankfully back on her own phone, updating her Instagram with a picture of her nails (which do look nice, but he really should have stopped at the third glass of whisky because he couldn’t give a single shit and he keeps lapsing into Spanish, which this woman assuredly does not speak).

[Kay, 9:45 p.m.]: I should mention that when I asked Jyn Erso why she did not wish to copulate with the man who asked for her number, she said, and I am quoting:

[Kay, 9:45 p.m.]: “He wasn’t my type”

[Kay, 9:46 p.m.]: And I know I am uninterested in sexual intercourse, but I can say the man was objectively attractive. He resembled that man from the movies about the god of thunder, Thor. So, I asked Jyn what her type was, and she said, quoting again:

Cassian could really choke Kay through the phone right now. Who the fuck texts like this? He taps his phone on the table, wondering if that would make the next message come through faster. His date gives him a weird look, and he gives her a sloppy grin, the alcohol really hitting his system now.

[Kay, 9:47 p.m.]: “Dark-haired, tall, sweet, and uninterested in me.”

[Kay, 9:47 p.m.]: She is returning from the bathroom now. But there is a statistical probability that she was talking about you, even if she didn't realize it.  Jyn Erso does not have many friends, so you should be glad to know you are her only male friend who fits that categorization. Kes Dameron is dark-haired but assuredly not tall; Han Solo is assuredly not sweet; and, Bodhi Rook is assuredly uninterested in her given that he is homosexual and in a committed relationship with that farm boy. That only leaves you in her social circle.

Cassian stares at his phone in shock, unsure of what to say. His heart pounds in his ears and his vision swims (which, again, could be the whisky), and his only thought is _I need to see Jyn Erso right fucking now._

“Check!” Cassian says quickly when the waiter walks by. “Check, please.” The waiter tries to hand him the bill, but Cassian’s already handing him his credit card. His date looks pleased that he paid for the whole thing, and Cassian smiles tightly at her. He drank most of his meal, and they both had a miserable time, so he doesn’t feel bad picking up the check.

Once he’s settled the payment and signed the receipt, he walks his date to the curb and hails her a cab. “Have a wonderful evening,” Cassian tells her pleasantly, his words only slightly slurred.

“Thanks.” She smiles at him uncertainly. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not sure why Leia set us up. You seem lovely, just –“

“Trust me, I know,” Cassian laughs and waves at her when the cab pulls away. He bangs his head against a construction sign, and he must have hit his head pretty fucking hard because the sign wobbles and falls off. “Shit.” Cassian picks it up and hefts it in his hand.

Then, he checks his phone one more time, and sees that he missed a text from Kay, from eight minutes ago.

[Kay, 9:47 p.m.]: Don’t worry, I will interrogate her and find out the truth.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck—” Cassian pulls up his contacts quickly and presses the most recent call for redial. “Pick up, pick up, pick up—” The line picks up, thank God. “Jyn!” He roars, already stumbling in the direction of the Cantina. “Jyn, that date was a goddamned disaster!”

***

When he arrives at the Cantina, Jyn stumbles out into the night, and Cassian grins at her. Fondness is only one of the emotions erupting in his chest as he watches her slug Kay, but it’s the only one he’s willing to examine right now.

He gets up off the sidewalk when she offers him her hand, and he only holds it for 2.8 seconds longer than he should, treasuring every second of it. She lets him lean on her, his arm slung around her small shoulders, for the fifteen minute walk home. At some point, Kay peels away from them, but not before giving Cassian the most straight-faced, least sneaky thumbs up ever. Kay is the worst wingman, Cassian decides. The Worst.

They’re quieter than normal, which could be because they’re both usually not at different levels of drunkenness at the same time. At one point he says, “There’s something I need to tell you,” and she just nods, nods and smiles at him patiently.

“Tell me when we’re home, Andor. I’m too cold to stop walking.” He nods as well, and now Jyn has her hand resting on his wrist, holding him slightly, her other arm wrapped around his waist, and in the cool autumn air, her warmth pressed against his body feels incredibly perfect.

Their apartment’s just up ahead, and Jyn makes him leave his street sign outside. He pretends to pout before shrugging and stumbling up the stairs. “Let’s get you into bed, Andor,” Jyn laughs after she’s poured them both a glass of water (they raced while chugging it, and she’d won because she always wins, wins everything). Cassian closes his eyes and nods, setting his glass back on the counter, storing the memory of her voice saying that phrase, shamefully wishing she’d said it in any other context.

Jyn Erso deserves better than his daydreams of her naked against his sheets, better than his fantasy of his name on her lips like a prayer. She deserves better than Cassian Andor, drunk and swaying and exhausted, leaning on her for support like a goddamned child while she helps him to his room.

“At some point, you really need to learn when to stop,” Jyn laughs at him after she’s deposited him within the threshold of his room. She rests her shoulder against the adjacent wall and tilts her chin up to smirk at him.

“Stop what?” He asks, knowing full well she means drinking himself into oblivion, because he’s almost thirty and needs a better technique for avoiding irritating situations. “Hm? You want me to stop going on dates, Erso?” Cassian teases her before he can stop himself. Then, he’s kicking himself. _Don’t expose yourself, don’t let her know, don’t ruin what you already have._

Oddly enough, she doesn’t smile. “Maybe,” Jyn says it so quietly, he’s pretty sure it’s the alcohol convincing him he heard it.

“Then maybe I will,” Cassian says, just as softly. He watches the line of Jyn’s throat when she swallows.

“Anything else, Cass?” Jyn cocks an eyebrow at him. He leans against his doorframe, resting his head at an angle on the wood while he smiles at her. “You said there was something you wanted to tell me.”

_Yes. I love you, firstly._

There’s so much Cassian wants to tell her. How much he admires and respects her. How much he’s cared about her since she became his roommate when they were both seniors at Scarif – she was all of 20, an ingenue who skipped multiple grades, and he was 24, scrappy and desperate to prove himself – how much it makes him smile when she terrorizes everyone who isn’t him. He wants to tell her how much he appreciates that she is the only person, the _only_ person, who doesn’t fill in the blank when he pauses searching for a word (Jyn always gives him the time to find the word, waits for him to ask for it in English – she even learned Spanish to help him translate certain things, to help him communicate better when the storm in his head has difficulty coming out in words).

Cassian Andor wants to tell Jyn Erso that he loves her so much it’s become a physical pain, locked into place somewhere behind his lungs, wants to tell her that when they crack open his chest when he dies, they’ll find her name written on his heart.

Cassian wants her to know that it was barely a year into their friendship when Kay Tuesso handed him a video clip of Cassian talking to Jyn – more correctly, a video of Jyn talking near Cassian – a video where Cassian’s eyes never left her perfect, lovely face, never once so much as blinked, just stared at her with a soft and open expression he didn’t think himself capable of anymore, not after the cartel wars he had fled as a child, not after the _coyotaje,_ and the death of his sister, his father, his desperate scramble for citizenship (And what had he said after Kay showed him the video? “ _Oh god…I’m in love…fuck me_ ” to which Kay responded, “ _No thank you, but maybe she will?_ ”)

Cassian wants Jyn to know that he only ever really smiles now because of her; even when she’s not with him, he can smile again because of her. Cassian wants her to know that she split him open the way he imagines nuclear technology can split open atoms – a potential for weaponization, or energy in the right hands – he wants her to know that she guts him, daily, and he wants to say _thank you_ every time.

There’s eons of information Jyn Erso needs to hear from him; endless confessions and promises he wants to make to her.

But he’s drunk, and she’s tipsy, so he tells himself he’s imagining the way she’s leaning up into him, the way he’s leaning down to meet her. He’s drunk, and tired, and he wants to do everything right by Jyn Erso because she’s had a lifetime of being shit on, just like he has. Cassian wants it to be perfect when he tells her, so he smiles and says:

“I just wanted to tell you goodnight, Erso.”

Jyn nods, and he tells himself that she doesn’t look disappointed. She disappears into her room, and he stays leaned against his door frame. He wishes he didn’t know that she turned around at the last second, the glow of her green eyes haunting against the darkened background of her bedroom. He wishes he didn’t know that she didn’t smile when she shut the door and shut him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter (chanting): Smut smut smut smut smut smut smut (Shared POV)


	3. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian and Jyn need to have a discussion; interspersed, they reflect on their friendship, and all the times they could have been together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chanting intensifies: Smut, smut, smut, smut, SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT (after the regularly scheduled angst/pining)
> 
> This chapter contains: Passionate declaration of feelings! Long-winded flashbacks full of UST and Mutual Pining and Angst! Oral Sex! Reciprocated Oral Sex! Changing POV! Enthusiastic consent!  
> And did I mention  
> ~dirty talking Cassian~???
> 
> WOOOO LET'S GO, (probably poorly written) REBELCAPTAIN SMUT
> 
>  
> 
> Also general warning: Cassian has many sexual encounters with women who aren't Jyn and it isn't healthy/and he isn't always making smart decisions, but he's angsty, etc., anyway - Cassian/Jyn have unprotected oral sex which is UNADVISED, but they know/trust each other, so we'll let it go for the sake of fanfictionfantasy
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy!

_“I’m pleased to say that despite your late start, you’ll be graduating this May, Mr. Andor.”_

_Cassian smiled at the red-haired woman across the desk. It didn’t reach his eyes. He knew it didn’t._

_“Thank you, Dr. Mothma.” He shook hands with the Dean, and then headed out of the office._

_He got a text on his old, rickety phone, from Bodhi Rook, his friend from Advanced Algebra._

_[Hey man – my friend's still looking to sublet if you’re interested. He’ll be out of town this year, and he says his roommate is pretty chill.]_

_Cassian sighed. He did need somewhere to live, now that his lease with Kay was up. He could always re-sign and stay with him another year; but, he liked being friends with Kay – he was a little worried that he might be Kay’s only friend – and he’d like for them to stay friends. That wouldn’t happen if they continued to live together._

_[Sure. Can I stop by and see the place sometime today?]_

_[Does right now work?] There’s an address attached to the text._

_Cassian grumbled to himself – this was the only afternoon he had off from work this week – but then he texted back that he’d be right over._

_It was a nice townhouse close to campus, and Cassian was frankly a little surprised that the rent was so low. He said as much to Bodhi, who walked up from the opposite direction._

_“Erso pays most of the rent.” Bodhi shrugged. “Inherited a shit ton of money, or something.”_

_Ah. So the roommate was rich. Great. Bodhi bounded up the steps in front of him and knocked on the door. “Han isn’t here right now, but Erso said we could come in as long as we didn’t come barging through the door without a warning.”_

_The door was unlocked, which seems unwise; but, then again, Cassian most likely had an incredibly different upbringing than Erso. What kind of last name was Erso? He just hoped he wouldn’t hate the guy._

_“We’re here!” Bodhi hollered up the stairs. There was some sort of classical music blasting, and Cassian rolled his eyes. What kinda American Psycho bullshit was he walking in to?_

_The furniture was sparse, and he could see an impressive amount of liquor in the kitchen – liquor that probably cost more than all of the living room._

_“Your friend Han like to drink?” Cassian asked, for something to do while he looked around. It was a nice place. It really was. He was probably going to live here._

_“They both do.” Bodhi rolled his eyes fondly and snagged a Snapple from the fridge. “Erso always makes sure to get snacks for us during Costco runs though, so just write it on there and –”_

_“Oh God, Bo, tell me you aren’t pawning off my Costco membership again.” A light voice breezed through the open entry to the kitchen. Cassian felt something strange ripple along his spine when he heard it. It took a second to place the accent – British, but more subtle than most British accents – and when he turned to see the source, he begged God above that his eyes weren’t really bugging out the way he thought they are._

_A beautiful girl was standing there smirking at them both. She had dark brown hair that fell to her shoulders in waves – Cassian immediately wanted to know what it felt like under his fingers – and large, green eyes that sparkled with mischief. Her smile. God, her smile. Cassian hadn’t really smiled in years, but a smile like that. He wanted to learn how to smile like that._

_“Is this your friend?” The girl asked, walking forward and studying Cassian. It felt odd, somehow. Clinical. Assessing. Not necessarily cold or creepy, just. Cassian felt like he was being judged, weighed, analyzed. He wondered if he was found wanting. He probably was._

_“Erso, meet Cassian Andor.” Bo slapped him on the back, and Cassian startled forward, sticking his hand out from sheer habit alone. “Jyn, meet Cassian.”_

_“You’re Erso?” Cassian heard himself ask, and he flinched at the stupid question._

_“Regretfully.” Jyn smiled at him, and it was a little less bright this time. It passed a moment later, and she gestured backwards with her head. “Here. I’ll show you your room.” Cassian didn’t say a word, but he did follow her, and Jyn Erso gave him a weird look as he followed her up the stairs in awkward silence. “This is mine, and yours will be right next door.” She pointed first at her door, and then his. “You can look, Han already threw his shit into his van this morning.”_

_It was a nice room. Between this and the siren currently watching him from the hallway, Cassian knew he’d take it. “It’s nice,” he said haltingly. Then, he frowned, not really knowing how to say it English._

_She saw him frowning. “But?” She prodded, crossing her arms over her chest._

_“Why do you even want a roommate?” He asked, confused. It was probably ruder than he’d wanted, but he didn’t know how to phrase what he was thinking._

_“Gets lonely, rattling around here on my own.” Jyn shrugged. “That, and I like to be entertained. You entertaining, Andor?”_

_“Not really.” He was as honest as possible, and something in her gaze shifted._

_“That’s too bad.” She turned and walked back into her room. He heard her shout a farewell at Bodhi, and then the music started blaring again._

_Well. That could have gone better._

***

Jyn Erso feels like she just might breathe fire.

“Kay,” she hisses at her tall friend. Friend-ish. He’s her friend-ish. He just got a demotion, honestly.

“Jyn Erso,” he greets solemnly, sitting down next to her in the corner of the room.

“What the fuck, Kay?” She says, louder now. Kay gives her a deeply unimpressed look. “All your stupid talk about _Cassian Andor loves you_ , blah blah blah, and tell me! Tell me, Kay! What’s he doing, right fucking now?’

“I believe he is typing his number into a young woman’s phone, Jyn,” Kay says blandly, blinking at the sight before him.

“And do you see how that could be considered counterintuitive to your assertion, Kay?” Jyn demands.

“There is no fault with my assertion,” Kay says. Jyn could choke him. She just might. She’s tipsy enough, and pissed enough, and heartbroken enough. “My premises are sound.”

Jyn looks over, and sees Cassian kissing the stupid, pretty, probably very nice girl. He presses her up against the wall, his lovely, tan hands framing her face, pushing her dark brown hair out of the way.

“I’m getting out of here,” Jyn mutters. “And fuck your premises, Kay.”

“Jyn Erso –”

“Not tonight, Kay.” Jyn turns around just long enough so that he can see she’s crying. She regrets being vulnerable in front of him immediately because he honestly looks vaguely panicked at the display of emotion. There probably isn’t an entry in his encyclopedic brain on how to deal with weepy people. “Tell me all the reasons why you’re right tomorrow, yeah?”

Kay nods, and then frowns in the direction of Cassian. Jyn has another immediate regret when she follows his gaze, and sees that Cassian’s progressing things to a PG-13 territory, in public, as he grinds against the other woman. Jyn experiences a bizarre dissonance – she’s turned on by the display of aggressive sexuality in the man she’s in love with, at the same time her cold, icy heart splinters at the sight of Cassian entangled with a woman who isn’t her.

“Night, Kay.” Jyn chucks her Solo cup in the trash on her way out the door. She doesn’t wait for a response before almost running out into the night.

Jyn’s just drunk enough to think clearly, and when she gets home, she changes into her pajamas and seethes. She ignores the text from Cassian saying _You home?_ assuming he’s probably just checking to see if he’s walking back by himself or not. Jyn hears the lock scrape ten minutes later, and she braces herself for looking normal, she’s a normal girl, she can do this.

Jyn throws her door open with a falsely cheerful grin on her face, a DVD of _Pride and Prejudice_ clutched in her hand, an attempt at a peace offering (for a war Cassian probably has no idea he’s engaged in), and almost falls flat on her face.

Cassian has the Woman from the Party with him, and her legs are wrapped around his waist while he presses her into the kitchen counter. His thumbs are on her hips, her tiny shirt riding up her tiny waist, and Jyn feels frozen. She wants to vomit. She wants to throw a large vase at his head. She wants to own a large vase, so she can throw it at his head.

“Some people eat there, you know,” is what she settles on. Cassian freezes and looks over at her, sees her standing there in her too-big Chess Club t-shirt from boarding school, in her frayed flannel bottoms. The Woman from the Party giggles nervously when she sees her.

“I’m sorry,” she says brightly. She’s cute, Jyn acknowledges grumpily. And in a happier universe, they’d probably be friends, because the girl wore Converse to a party, and her bag looks like a panda bear, and fuck it, she and Cass will have cute kids, and maybe Jyn will get to be the Sad Vodka Aunt she was always meant to be.

Whoa. Calm down, Erso.

“Wanna take this to your bedroom?” The girl stage whispers to Cassian while she kicks off her shoes. He grins – and Jyn flushes angrily with the knowledge that he has never, _ever_ grinned at her like that, and here she was, thinking Cassian Andor liked to smile at her more than other people, but he’s never smiled at her like they had some private, sexy secret – and nods, pointing to his door.

He has the audacity to wink at Jyn while his date leads him to his door, giggling. “Sorry again!” The girl says, looking chagrined.

“Me too,” Jyn says coldly. Cassian’s the only one who hears her though, as he turns to close the door behind them. The girl’s already sitting on the bed, and she can just barely see her behind Cassian. She locks eyes with him before the door can close, and the look on his face only make her feel more confused, more oddly betrayed.

Whatever he sees on her own face clearly throws him off-balance, and Jyn blushes.

“Jyn?” He says softly.

“Have fun.” She slams her door shut and collapses against it, rubbing her face anxiously.

Jyn slips her headphones on, locks her door (as if that could keep the thoughts away) and blasts her papa’s favorite symphony for the next forty-three minutes. She hears a pounding five minutes in, and she gets angrier, and sadder, but mostly angrier because _how dare he have headboard banging sex with someone who isn’t her?_

Oh right, because he has no idea she loves him.

God. She turns the music up as high as it can go, and steadfastly blocks everything else out.

When the symphony’s over, she switches to punk rock, and furiously cleans her room for another hour. She pops her head into the hallway when she realizes she needs water from the kitchen, and sees that the light in Cassian’s room is off.

She tiptoes to the fridge and takes less than ten seconds to fill a cup with ice and water. Jyn hears a rustling in Cassian’s room, sees the light turn on from under the door, and she nearly takes herself out sprinting in socks over the hardwood back to her room, water sloshing over the sides of her glass.

She’s in such a rush, she doesn’t notice that the Converse and panda bag are gone.

***

_Cassian frowned into his drink at the party Bodhi insisted he come to, him **and** Jyn Erso._

_It had only been two weeks, but things weren’t really going well in his new living situation._

_Jyn had been perfectly friendly at first, but she did incredibly odd things. She seemed to have no interest in maintaining material things, would often go days without speaking, did some sort of strange karate in the backyard, and threw money around like there was no tomorrow._

_Unfortunately, Cassian had accidentally insulted her three days prior when he found out she went to boarding school._

_“Aren’t those really expensive?” He’d asked, bluntly. He didn’t know how else to phrase it, as boarding schools were a foreign concept to him. He hadn’t started any sort of formal education until he was almost twelve, after the crossing of the border, after his sister had died mid-migration, after his father had gotten sick. He was a twelve year old in fourth grade, and his father could barely afford his backpack. Boarding school was an interesting, strange, useless concept._

_“I guess.” Jyn gave him an inscrutable look after he asked._

_“Must be nice, that your parents weren’t worried about money.” And he meant it. His mama had died when he was ten, but he remembered the pinched look on her face when it was time to pay bills, he remembered going out and doing odd jobs to try to help her, remembered how much she had cried when she found out what he was doing._

_Jyn scowled at him though, and stormed up the stairs to her room. The door had slammed shut, and he hadn’t seen her since._

_There at the party, he watched her across the room, talking rapidly with Leia Organa, another rich girl. Cassian scowled into his drink._

_Jyn hadn’t gone to class in almost a week; he’d noticed that too. Probably had enough money to pay for her grades. He didn’t know what to think of that._

_Bodhi sat down next to him suddenly, and he offered him a weak smile._

_“How’s it going at the Erso-Andor household?” Bodhi asked cheerfully. Cassian switched back to a glower. “Uh-oh.” Bodhi frowned, but his frown was softer than Cassian’s, because Bodhi was kinder than Cassian. “What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing.” Cassian swirled his drink, sighed, and then kept talking. “A lot. What’s her deal, anyway? She doesn’t give a fuck about anything, doesn’t seem to care about a thing in the world. It must be nice to go through life without any investment or interest in improving the world.”_

_Bodhi frowned at him, but in earnest this time. “That’s not fair,” he said calmly. “You don’t know Jyn, not yet. Give her time.”_

_“How can I, when she won’t talk to me?” Cassian demanded. “She doesn’t even give a shit about classes, Bodhi. She doesn’t come out of her room, doesn’t seem to care that each class meeting costs money. I don’t know what magical world she comes from –”_

_“Watch it.” Bodhi actually looked angry, then, and Cassian stared at him in shock. “You – you shouldn’t talk shit about Jyn, Cassian. I like you, I really do, but you don’t know anything about her situation –”_

_“Oh really?” Cassian knew he wouldn’t be this vocal if he weren’t this drunk, but apparently the alcohol decided to seep into his system halfway through this conversation. “Because it seems like Jyn Erso is your typical, devil may care, spoiled rich girl –”_

_“That’s bullshit.” Bodhi snapped, and Cassian felt his mouth physically seal from the force of his typically mild friend’s voice. “It’s not my story to tell, but she’s been through a lot, Cassian.”_

_“Really?” Cassian fought the urge to roll his eyes._

_“Just back off.” Bodhi frowned at him again, and shook his head. They’d been so wrapped up in their tense bubble that neither noticed the figure standing over them before it was too late._

_“Bodhi’s too nice to say it,” the pleasant voice of Jyn Erso washed over him, and Cassian felt himself freeze in shame. It rolled through him sickeningly, and he wondered if it was his embarrassment or the liquor that made him want to vomit suddenly. Probably both. “But he’s referring to what happened to my parents.” He forced himself to look at her, and surprisingly, she didn’t look angry. Just tired. Very tired._

_“Uh,” Cassian cleared his throat, and Jyn raised a hand, also tiredly._

_“Don’t worry, Bo, I’ll tell him.” She studied Cassian for a moment. “He should know who he’s living with.”_

_Bodhi nodded, and excused himself, walking away quickly. Jyn did not take the empty seat, and Cassian noted that even though he was sitting and she was standing, she wasn’t exactly looming over him. Jyn Erso was tiny, for all her strange appearance of being large. She knew how to carry herself, he realized. She stood like a soldier. Odd._

_“What Bodhi was talking about, and was too kind to say,” Jyn said softly, her eyes harder than flint. “Was that my mother was shot in front of me when I was seven. She died. Immediately.” The shame swelled in him even more, but when he opened his mouth to apologize, she raised her hand again. “My father had gotten in with the wrong crowd. They wanted him to supply them with better weapons. He refused. After my mother died, the government sent him away, and I was sent from relative to relative until I landed in boarding school. My freshman year—”_

_Her throat worked oddly then, and Cassian found himself staring at it. “And – this was major news, mind you, and I’m surprised you don’t know this. Half of campus knows this because they ask me about it all the time – at the beginning of my freshman year of college, I was headed to my great-uncle’s home for holiday, when I was seized, held hostage, dangled as bait in front of my father, who came out of hiding to meet with the terrorists. He was shot in front of me, almost ten years to the day of my mother’s death.” Cassian thought he might actually be in danger of falling through the floor, he was so mortified._

_“So yes, I have money,” Jyn shrugged. “I inherited it when I turned eighteen, when I was a sophomore here. I have money because my parents were slaughtered. It was money made from working for the wrong people, and I got it because my parents are dead. That’s why I don’t care about it. And I didn’t go to class this week because it was the anniversary of my father’s death.” She stared at him coldly, and then turned and walked away from him without another word._

_They didn’t talk for another two weeks, but Cassian asked her one day what symphony she was listening to._

_She told him it was by a man named Dvořák, and when she spelled it out for him, he laughed and laughed, and eventually she laughed too._

_He took her to a concert on campus that featured that symphony a month and a half later. They become best friends not long after that, some time around Cassian opening up to her in the middle of the night over a pint of ice cream, Cassian telling her his sister’s name, the struggle he had faced in coming to this country, how embarrassed he was sometimes to be a 24 year old man in class with teenagers who didn’t give a shit about how easy it was for them to understand the textbook._

_“Fuck everyone else,” Jyn said calmly. “You’re doing just fine, Andor.” He smiled at her, and she smiled back, and he was struck, again, at how probably no one in the history of the galaxy had ever smiled quite like Jyn Erso._

***

Cassian walks out of his room the next morning into a strangely quiet apartment.

It’s ten a.m. on Saturday, which typically means he’d be greeted with the sight of Jyn Erso splayed out adorably on the couch cushions, usually hanging upside down, her feet off the back of the couch while she watched garbage weekend morning programming that she swore not to like but never missed a second of anyway.

She isn’t on the couch.

Cassian sighs and goes to make coffee. His head hurts a little bit, but he can at least be happy in the knowledge that nothing really untoward happened last night. Cat was a sweet girl, but once he’d minorly freaked out over Jyn catching them, she’d pieced together that his heart was somewhere else.

He walked her to the door, made sure she got into her Uber, and then climbed back up the stairs tiredly. It hadn’t even been five minutes since Jyn Erso closed the door on him with the saddest expression he’d ever seen on her face – heartbroken, if he didn’t know any better – but when he pounded on the door, she hadn’t answered.

Cassian could have sworn he heard movement from the kitchen two hours after that, but her door was closed and the rest of the apartment empty when he’d thrown himself out of bed to try and intercept her, to explain himself.

What would he have said, anyway? Cassian sat down at the kitchen table and wiped his face, exhausted despite sleeping for almost nine hours. _It didn’t mean anything, Jyn. It never means anything, ever. I love you. Only you._ Yeah. Because he wants to get punched in the face.

Cassian drinks his coffee slowly, not bothering to put cream in, wanting the harsh bitterness on his tongue this morning. He sits for about ten minutes before he hears thudding behind Jyn’s door. He arranges himself awkwardly, and finds his body turning subconsciously, almost like a plant to the sun, to her door before it opens.

Jyn stomps out carrying a duffel bag.

He stares at her. “Going somewhere?”

“Yes.” Jyn doesn’t look up while she slips her sandals on. “I’m moving.”

“Moving where?” Cassian is dumbfounded.

“Don’t care.” Jyn shakes her head and gives him a tight smile. “See you, Andor.” She’s almost to the door before he remembers how to fucking move.

“Whoa, whoa – _what_?” He stumbles out of his chair and blocks her path. A dangerous move, but Cassian isn’t always the smartest, especially when it comes to Jyn Erso.

“I’ll pay rent until the lease is up, don’t worry,” Jyn says coldly, staring around him. He has about five seconds before she shoves him out of the way. He knows that look. That’s the patented ‘don’t fuck with me or I’ll kick your ass’ Jyn Erso look. He’s never had it directed at himself though, and he finds it makes him rather nervous.

“That’s not-“ Cassian swears rapidly and holds his hands up. “Can I ask why? After five years?” She’s just going to move out? Like that?

Jyn sighs heavily at him, and she looks up at him sadly, exhausted. She didn’t sleep well last night, he can tell. Her hair’s a mess, she’s definitely worn that sweatshirt more than four times in the last week, and there are massive circles under her eyes.

“Because.” She says it evasively but also with finality. She moves to go around him, and he moves with her.

“Come on, Erso,” he begs. He hates that he begs, but he does. That’s the word for it. “You’re my best friend, you have to talk to me.”

“I have to?” Jyn glares up at him. “You wanna know? Fine. I’m tired of the constant sex parade, Andor. I’m moving.” She manages to duck under his arm, but he pivots and snags her duffel bag, pulls her back slightly. She’s much smaller than he is, no matter how strong she is, so she stumbles back. She glowers at him, smacks his hand, and snatches her bag back away from him.

“Why do you care if I’m sleeping with multiple women?” Cassin has never thought of Jyn as prudish. She certainly hasn’t ever cared about the scores of women he’s slept with in the last five years. She never said anything, at least. “I don’t care who you sleep with.”

Yes he does. He really fucking does, and he knows it’s hypocritical, and he does care. But that’s another story.

She snorts derisively. “That’s hardly comparable! I’ve slept with two people in my entire life, Cass,” _what?_ He certainly didn’t know that. “And I have to watch your endless harem of women, over and over again, in and out of this house, never the same woman more than once, it’s like you’re trying to torture me –”

_It had been about a year of living with Cassian Andor, and Jyn decided that she quite liked the arrangement. There was no one she liked quite as much as she liked him, no one she trusted like him._

_She noticed something odd though, one day a year into their friendship. Cassian was looking at her differently. More intensely. He leaned in more when they talked, found more reasons to touch her innocently, in passing, on her shoulder, tucking her hair behind her ear, offering her a hand up when they’d both been sitting. It was odd, but not unwelcome._

_Jyn wasn’t sure she felt that way about Cassian – but she was pretty sure she could. There was no one in the world she trusted like Cassian Andor._

_He’d been incredibly attentive at a party one evening, and she knocked on his door quietly when they got home, wondering if she should just jump him, see where things led. There was no response, so she pushed the door open, saying “Hey, Cass, there was something I wanted to—”_

_She stopped immediately, and felt like she’d turned to stone. Cassian was half-dressed, on top of a beautiful, equally half-dressed woman. “Sorry!” She squeaked. “Sorry! Sorry!”_

_They had a good laugh about it later, agreed that a sock on the doorknob system might actually benefit them, and Jyn learned to stop reading into Cassian’s lingering touches. He saw her like a good friend. Nothing more. And she was happy with that._

“How could me having adult sexual relationships torture you, Erso?” Cassian has no idea where this is coming from. “If you didn’t want me bringing girls over, you could have just said something.”

“I didn’t _know_ until three months ago!” Jyn shrieks, and he stares at her completely at a loss.

“What?” Cassian blinks rapidly, shaking his head out subconsciously as if there were water in there, distorting his hearing. “You didn’t know what until three months ago?”

“You should ask Kay,” Jyn says mulishly, sticking her bottom lip out. It’s adorable, and it’s not what he should be focused on right now because she’s really pissed at him.

“I’m asking _you,_ Jyn.” He doesn’t drop his eyes from hers, and it feels odd, like there’s a magnet pulling them together. “What didn’t you know until three months ago?”

“I didn’t know it bothered me that you were sleeping with other people.” Jyn mutters this, and Cassian feels his brow furrow. “And now it bothers me. It bothers me a lot, it feels – it feels like you don’t care about me at all, not in the way –"

Whatever she’s trying to say is covered up by his unintentional outburst. “You don’t get to say that. It’s not _fair,_ Jyn. Everything I do, everyone I’m with – I’m just trying to get by, fuck.”

“What does that mean?”

Oh fuck. Oh fucking fuck. He fucking stepped in it. That’s the phrase, yeah? Oh God.

Well, cat’s out of the bag, or whatever. “All I can see is you,” he whispers, feeling the shame burning in his face. “When I’m with them, I can only think about you. I feel awful afterwards, but that’s the truth. That’s why there’s never the same woman more than once. It’s easier when both parties know it’s just going to be a one night stand.”

“How long?” Jyn doesn’t look disgusted, more…disappointed? He can’t tell, and that itself is odd. He knows her expressions so well.

“Four years?” He hazards the estimation, and Jyn looks livid.

“Four fucking years?” Jyn repeats angrily. “You’ve been fucking girls, wishing it was me, for four _fucking_ years, and I’m just now hearing about it? Why didn’t you say something?”

In all the scenarios he’s run in his head, all the ways this could have gone. This is not a reaction he’d anticipated. She seems pissed, but not for any reason he can guess.

“I did try to tell you!” He protests. “Two years ago, Jyn. But you were flirting with Kes, and –“

“Flirting? With Kes Dameron? I’ve never flirted with Kes in my entire –”

“Don’t lie to me. Leia was going to tell you I liked you at that housewarming party Bodhi and Luke threw, but you talked to Kes the entire time, and I – I “ Cassian blushes furiously. “I saw you two coming out of the bedroom, laughing.”

***

_Leia smiled when she agreed to talk to Jyn. He hated that he was too embarrassed to, but Leia loved a good romance – she was currently in the ‘off’ position with Han – and she was better with words than him._

_He couldn’t help himself, not anymore. Jyn looked so pretty that night in her green dress, her skin still freckled from summer. He watched her shiver in the early autumn air from across the rooftop, and he frowned when Kes didn’t give her his jacket. It was a jackass thing to do, but then again, they didn’t come here together. He and Jyn were close enough that she would have mentioned it. But Kes Dameron was good-looking, and he’d been talking to Jyn for about 48 minutes (not that Cassian was counting), so Cassian had his doubts._

_He hadn’t seen either of them for a while now, but they hadn’t left the rooftop together, so Cassian figured their prolonged conversation was over and Leia had moved on to talking to her._

_He walked downstairs, intending to go to the bathroom, to splash water on his face in an attempt to cool his nerves, when he spied Leia standing by herself, fiddling with her phone._

_“Organa,” he called, about to ask her where Jyn went, how the conversation had gone. Before he can say anything, the door to the master bedroom opened, and Jyn tumbled out into the apartment._

_Kes Dameron was close on her heels. He was red in the face, laughing anxiously, and Jyn’s snorting too. She ruffled his hair affectionately, and they walked away without even noticing Cassian._

_“Cassian,” Leia said warningly._

_“Don’t worry about it,” he said quickly. “Seriously – don’t – obviously, don’t – don’t talk to her, yeah? It’s fine. It’s good to see her happy.” And it was. It really was. Jyn Erso had been through enough. He wouldn’t hold a second of her happiness against her._

_The next morning, he couldn’t remember the name of the woman he woke up next to; he called it square when he had to re-introduce himself to her, too._

***

“At the housewarming party?” Jyn racks her brain. “No, Cassian – Kes was nervous about asking Shara out, I was just giving him a pep talk. I’ve never so much as kissed him on the cheek.”

“What?” Cassian looks scared, suddenly. “I’ve been giving Kes Dameron death glares for two years now for no reason?”

“I was wondering about that.” Jyn snorts, amused despite how worked up she is. But Cassian told her – “You – you really think about me? During…sex?” She blushes, and she hates herself for blushing. She’d meant what she said. She had a fling with a boy at boarding school, right before she left for college, and then she’d slept with a boy from her physics class in her junior year, before she met Cassian.

She hadn’t had the urge to have sex since she met Cassian.

Oh God, she’s a massive idiot, isn’t she?

He hasn’t said anything, but maybe she doesn’t need him to. Maybe she needs to say something. “Kay pointed something out to me,” she says softly. “Three months ago.”

“What?” Worry lines sprout on Cassian’s forehead, and she fights the urge to smooth them away with her finger.

“He said that I was in love with you.”

Cassian snorts. “Yeah, he’s been trying to get me to admit the same thing for years too, sorry he dragged you into it.”

“He was right.” Jyn’s always been brave, always been tough as shit, but those three words scare the shit out of her, as soon as they fall out of her mouth. She wants to scoop them back up, shove them into her duffel with the rest of her shit, and run from the apartment.

It’s almost worth it, the extreme mortification, when she sees Cassian turn an apoplectic color. “I beg your pardon?” He says politely, in Spanish. She wonders if he noticed the switch.

“He was right,” Jyn repeats, wanting to curl in on herself, but refusing to break her stance or their eye contact. “I am in love with you. Have been for a while.”

She understands “quiet enough to hear a pin drop,” suddenly. She hates that she understands it. Jyn adjusts her grip on her duffel bag and nods. “Alright, so, have a nice life, Andor.” She starts for the door.

Cassia grabs her duffel bag and throws it onto the couch, and Jyn freezes with her foot six inches off the ground, mid-step. “No,” he says firmly. “Don’t run away from this.”

“Away from what?” Jyn asks.

“Don’t run away from me, from us,” Cassian says, walking forward, sweeping into her, until Jyn’s pressed against the wall in the foyer. He stares down at her, and she looks back up at him defiantly. “You haven’t even given me a chance yet.”

“A chance to do what?”

“To tell you I love you.” Cassian’s eyes are a soft, liquid brown, and Jyn’s breath catches in her throats. His eyes are the most beautiful she’s ever seen; she’s thought that since the day he walked into her house five years ago, even before she realized how she felt about him. Cassian Andor is a beautiful man, a man who most people only saw the angles of; a man she was allowed to see the gentle curves of. She could write poetry about him, enough to fill a book, and still have plenty to say, plenty to explore, about how much she feels for him.

“Don’t fuck with me, Andor,” is what she says.

“No,” Cassian shakes his head, gets impossibly close to her. She realizes that his feet have come to rest on either side of hers, his legs bracketing her in. He rests his hands on the wall on either side of her head. “I wouldn’t. Not about this. I love you, Jyn Erso. And if it’s okay with you, I’d like to kiss you. I’ve waited five years to kiss you.”

“Better get on with it, then,” she says, trying to sound jovial, but her voice comes out shaky, nervous. Cassian crashes into her, and she feels everything at once: the hot urgency of his mouth on hers, the scratch of his facial hair, his hands curling around her waist, the press of his tongue against her bottom lip. Jyn gasps and yields to his exploration in a way she’s always refused to yield before, because she trusts Cassian Andor.

She’d almost expected it to be strange, kissing her best friend, but it feels right, it feels so fucking right, and when he sucks a mark onto her neck right above her collarbone, she tangles her hands in his hair.

“Not to sound crass,” she says, pleased that she sounds much calmer than she feels. “But could we maybe do this in a lying down position?”

Cassian pulls away and studies her with hooded eyes. “We could.”

They continue to kiss, stripping layer after layer off each other as they tumble for his bedroom. His bed’s bigger, she rationalizes, and his sheets have probably been washed more recently, and _oh God, she hasn’t shaved in ten days._

She forgets to care about that last part when he lays her down on the bed, kneels between her legs, and nudges them further apart.

“I want to eat you out,” he says bluntly, and Jyn stares at him in shock. “If that’s okay with you.”

“Uhm.” She nods, awkwardly. “It’s okay. Just. No one’s ever—”

“Fuck.” Cassian bites the word out, his fingers resting on the elastic of her underwear. “How is the world so idiotic?” Jyn shrugs, but she’s spared the need to actually answer when he leans down and sucks a mark next to her hipbone. “Sorry,” he whispers, kissing the red spot. “I should have asked if you minded –“

“I don’t mind,” Jyn says quickly. “I really, really don’t mind, I like it –”

And she does. She likes the idea that she’ll carry around the marks of Cassian Andor for the next few days; she likes the fact that his beard will probably leave some sort of marks behind on the insides of her thighs once he makes good on his intent to eat her out.

Speaking of which, he’s beginning to take off her bottoms, and Jyn lifts her hips to help. She blushes when he looks at her with abject wonderment. He openly stares, really, his hands resting on her knees. Jyn squirms under his intense gaze, struggling to close her legs, but he doesn’t relent.

“No,” Cassian says firmly. “No, don’t hide from me, Jyn. I’ve wanted this for so long. Please don’t hide from me. You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Jyn nods, and takes a deep breath, staring at the ceiling. “Okay,” she whispers. “I won’t hide. And. Thank you?” Cassian grins at her and lies down on his stomach, nosing a line from her knee down her inner thigh, and Jyn yelps. This is all a little much for eleven a.m. on a Saturday morning, but she also isn’t about to complain.

“I dreamed about this,” Cassian admits, and Jyn writhes as his breath washes over her hot flesh. “How you’d look, how you’d feel,” a long finger strokes her from clit to cunt, “How you’d taste.” He leans forward until Jyn’s shocked that there’s any distance between them still. “May I?” He asks softly. “Please, can I taste you?” Jyn nods, and threads her fingers through his hair again, pleased to note that it’s just as soft as she always thought it would be.

“Yes,” she pants. “Now, please, Cassian, want it –“

“Want what, _querida_?” Cass grins at her, looking like the cat that got the cream. “What do you want?”

“Your mouth,” Jyn whispers, staring up at the ceiling, feeling her cheeks flush.

“My mouth?” Cassian leans over and kisses her hipbone sweetly. It feels nice, but it’s not what she – ugh –

“Cassian, put your mouth on me, please, now, don’t –“

“My mouth is on you,” Cassian teases, running a line of open mouthed kisses up her inner thigh. His finger begins to tease a light, unsatisfying pattern around her entrance, and it only serves to drive her more wild.

“Not – not – ugh, Cass, just put your mouth on my –” Jyn cuts herself off, mortified.

“Your _what_?” Cassian’s staring at her now, gaze intense, direct, and Jyn props her weight up on her elbows.

“My cunt,” Jyn says bluntly. “Put your mouth on my cunt.”

“Bossy,” Cassian mutters, and Jyn could hit him, she really could, but his mouth is hot and open against her now, and she mewls, hands scrabbling at his hair, trying to get him even closer.

“Cass, Cass, Cassian—” Jyn chants his name, drawing out the second syllable. She’s had her imagination since Kay helped her to her revelation – and she shared a wall with him for a few years, for God’s sake, knows for a fact that he never leaves a partner unsatisfied – but _this._ She doesn’t have experience in this area, but she thinks it’s safe to say Cassian turns oral into an art form. He alternates between sucking on her clit and flicking his tongue over it, his fingers pounding into her, curling against a spot inside her that has her eyes fluttering shut, has her moaning his name wantonly.

“That’s flattering,” he laughs lightly, and she opens her eyes to scowl at him, but her breath catches again when she sees the evidence of how much she’s enjoying herself glittering on his mouth, around his beard. Before she can think of a smart-ass response, he dives back in with more enthusiasm before. His tongue comes out and fucks into her, replacing his fingers briefly, and Jyn forgets to keep track of what he’s doing.

She just gives in, wraps her legs over his shoulders with his guidance, and holds on for dear life. She shatters a few minutes later, feels every muscle in her body clamp down, probably almost squeezes Cassian to death with her thighs when she comes with a hoarse scream. He collapses on the bed next to her while she’s still shivering through the aftershocks, his hand still lightly teasing her entrance.

**

Cassian pants for breath and stares at the ceiling, and then over at Jyn. Her face is flushed, and her eyes are glassy, and she’s staring at him in awe. He grins at her, feeling incredibly pleased. She doesn’t even need to touch him, this is already the number one sexual experience of his life because it’s _her._

“You want help with that?” Jyn nods her head down. He blushes.

“I can handle it.” He grabs her hand and kisses the knuckles lightly. “That was enough, querida, trust me.”

“You don’t want me?” She says it lightly, but he can see worry in her eyes.

“I do,” he groans. “I really do. Fuck. I think you're the only person I've ever really wanted. Does that make me a bad person?”

“Not at all,” Jyn rolls her eyes. “Don’t overthink this, Andor. I want you, and you want me – this is good.”

“I forget what it feels like, to not want you,” Cassian confesses as Jyn flips over onto her front and kisses down his stomach. “It’s been driving me mad, you have no idea, none, what you do to me-“

“I have some idea,” Jyn teases, her small hand stroking over the front of his boxers, just to the left of where he wants her, where he needs her. “God, Cassian, can I –“

“You can do literally anything to me Jyn, and I would not complain,” Cassian laughs shakily as she smiles and lowers the waistband of his boxers. She doesn’t lower it all the way, just enough so the leaking head of his cock emerges, and she runs a nimble finger over it, collecting the pearlescent liquid and bringing it up to her mouth for a taste, small, pointed tongue darting out to clean her fingertip.

“Fuck,” Cassian moans, shifting his hips involuntarily. “Oh fucking—” He lapses into Spanish and fists his hands into his bedsheets so he doesn’t weave them through her hair, so he won’t do something awful like grab her head and fuck into her mouth like she was an object – maybe she’d like that, he doesn’t know, but he doesn’t want to stop her to ask, not when what she’s doing feels so – feels so –

His boxers are around his knees suddenly, and Jyn’s hand is firm and confident as it strokes up his length and then back down. Her other hand cups his balls, rolling the skin between them delicately, right where it fades into his shaft, and Cassian _keens._  He had no idea he could make that noise, but then again, he’s never had his cock touched by Jyn Erso before, this private, desperate wish he’s had for years now, of course it feels better with her, he’s never been touched like this by someone he loves –

His brain entirely whites out into pleasant humming when her lips wrap around his head.

It becomes too much, too quickly, and he might embarrass himself.

“Stop, stop, stop,” Cassian begs, sitting up halfway. Jyn immediately pulls off looking alarmed. “No – no that was- that was wonderful, but uh it's going to be over very soon if you keep that up, and I wanted to -"

"I want that too," Jyn says quietly. "But we have time, Cass. We have so much time. Let me do this for you?" Cassian nods, lying back down fully. Her mouth returns to his cock, and he lets himself float in it it for a while, until the speed of her hand at the base and her mouth at the head becomes too much, and he taps her on the shoulder to let her know he's almost there. She gives him an awkward thumbs up, not breaking stride, and the sight of it makes him giggle. He's still laughing when he comes, and Jyn swallows it cheerfully, wiping the back of her hand over her mouth. 

Cassian reaches up, wanting to pull her down for a kiss, wanting to tangle with her in the sheets in a way that means they can never part again, but Jyn has other ideas. She holds a dainty finger up and runs for his bathroom. He hears the water running, and she comes back grinning guiltily thirty seconds later. 

"Sorry," she says, voice raspier than normal. If Cassian could get hard again, he would, just from that. "Needed to -"

"No, no, I understand," Cassian assures her. Then, he holds his arms out. "Come here so I can hold you and tell you how much I love you." 

Jyn smiles and then playfully dives back onto the bed with him. They roll around together laughing, carefree, for a while, and Cassian kisses her in places he'd never before thought were romantic or intimate - shoulder, wrist, knee - but with Jyn, each experience is new, treasured, incredible. Eventually they settle on their sides, arms looped around each other, and Cassian keeps leaning in to nuzzle against her nose, seeing if he can get her to giggle again (and what he values most of all from this is he is the only person alive, perhaps ever, who sees this side of Jyn Erso, tough as shit, scary as shit Jyn Erso, soft and giggling and sweet). 

He kisses her forehead, the tip of her nose, her mouth, and she kisses him back, on the cheek, the chin, the mouth. It's lazy and wonderful and good, and he never wants it to stop. Eventually he closes his eyes and rests his forehead against hers, more than willing to just float in this perfect feeling the rest of the day. 

"Oh fuck," Jyn whispers out of nowhere, mid-perfect-floating feeling. Cassian cracks an eye open to look at her, and she looks amused but stricken. 

"What, querida?" He asks sleepily. 

"Kay is going to be  _insufferable,_ " she says. Cassian's eyes open involuntarily as he stares into a future dominated by a smug, irritating Kay Tuesso. 

"We don't have to tell him," he decides, eyes drifting back shut again while he pulls Jyn closer to him, snuggles in close to her. "Not yet."

***

When they do tell him, two months later, he hands them each a laminated card that says "I Told You So." Jyn's is back-dated five months prior; Cassian's, four years.

 

He's Best Man a year after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the only person who hates me more than you is me


End file.
